Lost: The Legend of Hurley’s Gold

Thoughts on this week’s episode of Lost, “Everybody Loves Hugo”, after the break:

1. Previously on Lost: Just read the archives, slacker. PS, I’m exhausted from a 6 hour conference call so I will not be as thorough as usual this week. Deal with it.
2. In LA, Hurley is the real life Ronald McDonald and is feted by everyone for being such a great guy. He is awarded a lucite dinosaur by a two-armed Pierre Chang. Then his mom says she wants to set him up with some girl name Rosalita who I presume will turn out to be someone from earlier seasons. Then we cut to the Island where Hurley remembers Libby for the first time three seasons or so (he talks to her at her grave, which we oddly haven’t seen since they buried her so very long ago). And then MICHAEL SHOWS UP to tell Hurley that he has to save everybody. I feel like we’ve heard that a hundred thousand times in the history of this show, yes? But okay. Commercial time.
3. Michael notes that people listen to Hurley now, which is a bit of a shift. Then Jack comes over and Michael disappears. Then we’re back in LA, where Hurley’s eating chips at a crappy fake Mexican restaurant while he waits for his date, who is running late enough that the waiter tries to clear her plate. And then she shows up and I think it’s Libby, but it has been so long since she was on the show that I literally don’t remember what she looks like. For what it’s worth, she’s blond. We don’t know yet whether she has (or had) a sailboat. All Hurley knows at first is that she’s a hot caucasian whose name shouldn’t reasonably be “Rosalita”. She’s more of a Libby really, which she reveals to Hurley when she explains that she’s not his blind date at all. She holds his hands and reveals that she’s his otherworldly soulmate. And she remembers him, you guys. SHE REMEMBERS EVERYTHING. Then her creepy old dad/psychiatrist wrangles her away as Hurley stares slackjawed into space. Oh yeah, then we see her getting ushered into a loony-bin van. Sweet. Back to the Island…
4. Elana is super annoying. She has a bunch of soggy dynamite from the Black Rock which she wants to use to explode the plane. Hurley tries to talk her out of it. I think Elana’s accent is different from HOLY ARZT SHE DROPPED THE DYNAMITE AND EXPLODED TO HELL. Huzzah. That was even more satisfying than Nikki and Paulo.
5. Sawyer and Kate badger MIB about why they’re sitting around doing nothing. He explains that the only way to get off the Island is to get in the plane with Hugo, Sun, and Jack. Then he notices Sayid, soullessly sauntering back into camp. He asks to speak to MIB in private, probably to explain about Dessie. Yep. Hmm, he appears to have tied dear Desmond to a tree, which is kind of weird, since I thought he seemed pretty amenable to cooperating. Commercial time. Fidelity Investments should have the slogan, “Nearly as Effective as an Index Fund”.
6. Hurley picks up some Russian book that the internet will tell me about tomorrow, then sets it down. He finds a little bag filled with… don’t know. He closes it as we switch across the beach to an argument regarding dynamite. Richard wants to get more and blow up a plane. Hurley takes his side, it SEEMS. He says “trust me Jack” and Jack is like, okay. Back to LA, where…
7. Hahaha, it’s Sam Weir’s nerdy friend Neal from Freaks and Geeks! He’s working at an Uncle Clucker’s (or whatever Hurley’s fried chicken franchise is called), and immediately recognizes him with delight. Sort of the same reaction I had when I saw HIM appear on my screen. Maybe he’ll do some ventriloquism! Or tell some dirty jokes? Hurley orders, then eats, a “bucket, family style”. And that’s the last we’ll see of the great Samm Levine. A bespectacled Desmond espies Hurley from across the way. He asks Hurley if they know each other from somewhere. He eventually gets around to mentioning Oceanic 815, which somehow gets us to Hurley telling him about Libby being crazy. Desmond is like, maybe she’s not so crazy. Because, guys, Desmond knows stuff about stuff. Desmond tells Hurley to try to figure out where Libby thinks she knows Hurley from, before it’s too late. Then they call Desmond’s order number (42, natch). It’s kind of funny, Desmond wandering around LA with his mystical all-knowingness, it reminds me of Jacob. I wonder if he’ll turn out to be Jacob’s actual replacement!!!! Anyway, he walks away and we cut to, well, him. On the Island though.
8. He tells MIB that he has nowhere to run, which convinces MIB to untie him. Desmond is cool as a cucumber. He explains that Charles Widmore kidnapped him, then blasted him with electromagnetism. He also thinks that MIB is John Locke. Or does he? MIB sends Sayid away, then tells Desmond that there’s something he wants to show him. Oh hey, Miles and Ben and Lapidus are still on this show. Ben even gets to talk a little bit, mostly just snickering about how the Island blew up Elana. I’m on board, dude! That was great. They and Richard and Miles and Sun and Jack all get to the Black Rock for the dynamite. They notice that Hugo isn’t with them. Then they notice that Hugo is running away from the Black Rock, which he just rigged to explode! These special effects are downright Syfyian. He explains to the group that he did it to protect them, and then as if that weren’t enough desecration of a civilized world, we get a Walmart commercial. The Avatar video game comes out on Earth Day, because why should that be any less skull-smashingly-unsubtle than the movie upon which it is based?
9. Richard’s upset. Because that’s the boat he arrived on. Poor guy. Anyway, Hurley tells Miles that Michael told him to stop them from blowing up the plane. He tells Miles that dead people tell him to do stuff a lot, which he’s cool with because “dead people are a more reliable than alive people.” Then it’s back to LA.
10. Hurley’s at the nuthouse, asking the HMFIC about Libby. The guy says she’s bonkers, but then Hurley writes him a check for $100k and then he gets to hang out with Libby! Some stereotypical lunatics stumble around and then Libby comes in. Hurley tells her he doesn’t remember her, but he wants to find out. She looks kinda messed up, guys, like she’s been rode hard and put away wet. Which is a metaphor about a horse, so don’t get any gross ideas. Anyway, she tells him about how she has all these memories about the Island and they were best friends and then she had a memory of Hurley being there in the mental hospital, too (which he was, remember? They’re totally kind of explaining that!). Anyway, he still doesn’t remember, but he does say “bizarro alternate universe” so he’s on the right track. She says she’s there voluntarily, which is weird, because I distinctly remember the doctor more or less strong-arming her back into the lunatic wagon back at the Chicken Shack. But whatever. Hurley asks her out and she says yes and honestly, this kind of pales in comparison to the relatively-epic Richard/whoever romance of a few weeks ago and the Desmond/Penny romance of one week ago. Probably because I didn’t remember Libby at all (and neither, for that matter, did Hurley). Oh well.
11. On the Island, MIB chats with Desmond about the hatch. He tells MIB that “this Island has it in for all of us”, to which MIB readily agrees. Oh right, then MIB sees that boy with the stick who the internet thinks might be Aaron all grown up. Apparently the kid isn’t a classic Island illusion, either, because Desmond sees him also. PS, the kid has a spear and creepy stare. MIB says to ignore him. Weird. The kid smiles and traipses back into the jungle.
12. The Black Rock crew gathers explosion detritus, then Richard suggests they go after more explosive stuff somewhere or other. Hurley points at the jungle and is like, Jacob told me we have to go talk to Locke! What do you think the odds are that it’s revealed that Hurley doesn’t see Jacob — he’s just realizing his destiny as a leader or somesuch? I’d put the odds about equal to those of the Redskins losing 2/3 of their RB corps to injury by week 6. But anyway, Richard doesn’t watch this show so he doesn’t know Hurley’s lying, so he agrees to go see MIB. Dummy. Actually, I wrote that before I assumed it would happen but it didn’t! Richard, you sly devil! He says to Hurley that Jacob once told him what the Island is (a cork, right?), and if Hurley really sees him than he can tell him. Hurley walks over, says “I don’t have to prove anything to you, Richard — you can either come with me or you can keep trying to blow stuff up”. That line would work on Jack, but Richard is not such a credulous person. Anyway, Richard insists on going to blow up the plane and Ben/Miles go with him. Please note that none of them are among the list that MIB noted must be on the plane to get off the Island. Anyway, Jack backed Hurley up which is kinda cool, and they’re off to talk to Locke.
13. But first, gotta sell some M&Ms. Weirdly, this ad is election themed. There’s a red M&M who sounds exactly like Zap Brannigan! And the green M&M, who is supposed to be a woman, I swear to you, says “boys, it’s all about working the polls” (say it out loud and then marvel at how you just grossed yourself out via anthropomorphized chocolate). Anyway, apparently you can vote on which color of identical-tasting round candy you like best. C’MON PERIWINKLE.
14. Now it’s dark in the jungle. Hurley and Jack and Sun and Lapidus all walk towards MIB. Apparently Sun STILL CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH. What a silly, silly turn of events. Hurley tells Jack that he didn’t see Jacob. Jack is like, I know. He says that ever since Juliet died all he wanted was to fix it. But he can’t. He says that maybe he’s supposed to let go and do what other people suggest. Now Hurley is upset and admits that he doesn’t even know where he’s going. Then he hears the whispering death sounds and gets excited and wanders off into the jungle alone. Oh hey, it’s Michael again. He’s stuck on the Island because of what he did. And there are others out there like him, that’s the whispers. “We’re the ones who can’t move on.” RETCON ALERT!!!! Anyway, Michael points Hurley toward MIB and asks him not to get himself killed. Then he says this line which really walks the line between touching and hilarious: “Hurley, if you ever do see Libby again, tell her I’m very sorry [for shooting her twice in the stomach and leaving her in the hatch to die].” Hurley has opted for “touching” but I’m leaning the other way.
15. So okay, back in LA, Hurley’s at the beach with a picnic for Libby. Apparently he mostly brought cheese. She mostly brought cleavage, just like every woman on the show this season. Where’s Shannon??? She says that the picnic is familiar, “like a date we never had”. Then they have a conversation that I think they had word for word on the Island, in which he asks her why she wants to be his girlfriend and she explains that it’s because she likes him. I dunno, that’s kind of a tautology, but I’ll let it go this time. Hurley points out, though, that she likes him because she has mental problems. Then she kisses him which should cement his impression but instead it sets off his ALTERNATE REALITY SENSES and he remembers stuff from Season 3. Apparently this proves that Libby’s not crazy. Oh, and Desmond’s been watching this all from his car. Now that he knows Hurley and Libby are in love again, he drives away smugly (Jacob-style).
16. Stan Lee’s doing cameos in fuckin’ comic book movie commercials now? I’m befuddled.
17. MIB and Desmond arrive at the well. Inside the well I believe you’ll find a frozen donkey wheel! Locke drops a torch down into it, then tells Desmond that the well is “very old”. So old that the people who dug it did so by hand. Apparently it would have taken a while. And they weren’t looking for water. They were looking for answers. MIB explains that they’re standing atop an electromagnetic crazy-zone. He tells Desmond that Widmore doesn’t care about answers; just power. And he brought Desmond back to help him find what he’s looking for (power, you’ll recall). MIB asks Desmond why he’s not afraid. Desmond explains that there’s no point in being afraid. Well, uh, I dunno, I think you should reconsider that, dude, since MIB just THREW YOUR ASS DOWN THE WELL.
18. MIB gets back to camp, and tells Sayid that they don’t have to worry about Desmond anymore. I’m… not persuaded. I mean, even Juliet managed to survive a fall like that (temporarily). And she wasn’t Desmond, Survivor of Catastrophes. Sawyer asks MIB where he was. Then they see Hurley approach. Hurley says “um, hey”. Good writing! Then he says that he and the other folks need to talk to MIB, but he doesn’t want anybody to get hurt. MIB hands him his knife and promises not to hurt anybody. Hurley brings out Lapidus, Sun, and Jack. Say, doesn’t Lapidus know how to fly a plane? This is shaping up a little too simple, guys. Anyway, MIB and Jack have a staredown and we fade to…
19. PSYCH! We don’t fade to anything, we just flash back to LA, where Desmond watches Locke wheel across the school parking lot. It looks like a lot of work. But then Linus knocks on the window and asks why Desmond is creepily staring at the schoolkids. Fair point. Desmond says he’s new in town and he’s looking for a school for his son, Charlie. I don’t think Ben buys it, but he walks away. Then Desmond guns the engine and drives straight at Locke! Holy crap, no one has ever been so thoroughly run over by a car on network television. It’s pretty brutal. Anyway, Locke’s in bad shape and Ben calls for an ambulance (thus we will see Dr. Jack Shephard’s Magic Fingers at work next week, obviously). As Locke stares out into the unblinking emptiness of eternity, we actually, finally, really do fade to black.
20. LOST

Final thoughts: The rollicking eventfulness of the last handful of Lost episodes continues apace. That was pretty good, and if I still cared at all about what Libby was all about it would have been really good. As it is, it was kind of another episode of getting people from wherever they are to where they have to be. But it was also an episode of Elana exploding, Jack extemporizing about how he found his Zen koan, Michael speaking more than 5 words without even saying “Walt!!!!” once, and, oh yeah, MIB throwing Desmond into a supermagnetic energy well. I’m satisfied, even if it was another week without Vincent, Rose, Bernard, Boone, Shannon, Daniel Faraday, Walt, or even Jin as far as I noticed. Next week I assume we’ll shockingly discover that Desmond’s not dead, that after Jack saves Locke’s life he can walk again, and that Walt is now a world-champion backgammon player. And, if we’re really lucky, maybe we’ll get to hear another Driveshaft jam. Until next week.