Lost: Kwon Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Here we go — Lost spoilers follow, brought to you without copy-editing or even the bare minimum of revision by our sponsor, 7-year aged rum, :

1. Previously on Lost: Jin. So Jin will be in this one. Richard’s nuts and Hurley told him he has to stop MIB. Jack’s playing MIB and Widmore against each other so he can hijack a submarine, which he obviously can’t drive. Okay, let’s get to the new stuff.
2. Jin gets released from prison but they took his money! He and Sun have a talk about how he does whatever her dad says. She neglects to mention that she speaks English. It’ll come I’m sure. Oh crap, they’re not married! They need two rooms!
3. Okay, on the Island, MIB puts Sayid in charge. Sayid says “I don’t feel anything”. He means… emotions! MIB suggests that this may be for the best. Sawyer asks Jin what he’s doing. Jin’s packing up to leave and find Sun. He doesn’t trust MIB. Oh, and as they argue everybody gets show up with tranquilizer darts! Like, 20 or so people. There’s some night vision. The Tina Fey-looking woman is there. They take Jin away, just like Claire’s baby in Season 1! Remember? Okay, commercials.
4. Lapidus and Miles are playing cards by the beach. Alana, Ben, and Sun chat away. Jack wanders over. Miles makes a bacon joke. It’s like they’re on the internet in 2008! Sun is extremely frustrated about Jin. She stabs a table. Then she goes off to garden, where Jack finds her. He asks about tomatoes. Apparently they’re dead. Good riddance. Anyway, they talk about candidacy. I’ll just wait for the blogs to tell me what to think about this stuff tomorrow. Sun seems to feel the same way — “I just want you to go away and leave me alone!” Alternate timeline…
5. Jin shows Sun the watch her father gave him, and tells her he’s going off to give it to whomever he’s supposed to give it to. She’s like, stop being an idiot. You missed it, you were in jail. He condescends to her about shopping. She seduces him with a casual unbuttoning. I see bra. Whoa, Sun, that’s not very traditional. Anyway, they totally do it. But back on the Island she’s stuck in the garden. MIB approaches! Now that we know he can turn into the smoke monster his appearances are quite a bit more fraught. Anyway, he says he has Jin and wants to get them back together. Don’t do it, Sun! He’s been kidnapped! She runs away. Good idea. He runs after her. Why he doesn’t just smoke out is beyond me. Commercials.
6. She and Jin wake up together in LA. Satiated and morally bankrupt. She suggests that they run away together. Jin’s… not on board. He says it’s forbidden. Then there’s a knock on the door. I’m thinking it’s whoever kidnapped him and locked him the deep freeze next to Keamy. Oh wait, it just is Keamy. Sir, you’re probably going to get shot in a little while.
7. Ben comes upon Sun, knocked out in the jungle. She’s speaking Korean. Get it together, woman. She tells him that Locke did it to her. Speaking of MIB, he gets back to the camp and finds everybody tranqed. He asks Sayid what happened. Sayid is like, hello, they tranqed me! Jin’s in a creepy room filled with big speakers. It’s locked. Looks like he’s doomed to spend this episode in custody of one kind or another. He flips a switch on the wall and epilepsy stuff happens — weird noises and flashing images. Then Tina Fey is in the room. This is “Room 23″! Michael Jordan’s room. He tries to leave and she tases him. Classic. She babbles about electromagnetism and a map. He says he wants to talk to Widmore. Fortunately Widmore wants to talk to Jin also!
8. MIB and Sayid are going to take the outrigger to the other island. Claire asks MIB if she’s a candidate. She’s figured out that he only cares about candidates, you see. She’s upset because Aaron loves Kate. This is hard to follow/care about. He seems to suggest to Claire that once the candidates are on the plane, Claire can kill Kate if she wants. Sawyer asks why MIB can’t just smoke himself over to the other island. MIB says he can’t do that. All right, fair enough.
9. V: Still not going to happen. You will never convince me to watch it, ABC.
10. Sun is in the hotel room, trying to convince Keamy that Jin’s not there. She gives Keamy the watch. He’s like, give me money. She says “no English” but I’m not convinced. Keamy’s violent associate appears. Keamy notices two glasses of champagne. This is going to end poorly, Jin-wise. They find him, topless, in the bathroom. Then they ask him about the money. Sun’s going to have to admit she speaks English here. Apparently they know a Russian guy who speaks Korean so maybe not. Sun explains to that guy about the money being taken at customs. Keamy doesn’t seem to give a crap. Of course, we already know that this ends up with Jin in the freezer. So basically this is a flashback in an alternate timeline. Good grief. How complicated does it have to get? Anyway, Jin tells Keamy he doesn’t want Sun’s dad to know he’s been compromising his daughter’s morals.
11. Back on the Island, Jack checks out Sun’s head. She can’t speak English anymore, even though she can understand it. It might be aphasia. Or it could just be narrative convenience. Richard arrives and says “pack your bags; we’re leaving”. Sweet.
12. MIB approaches the portable sonar towers by the beach. A bunch of dudes with guns come upon him. He explains that he comes in peace. Widmore comes in peace to the beach. They talk. Widmore vs. MIB. This is actually a pretty big scene, since it seems clear these are the opposing forces this season. Well, them and also Jacob. MIB says it’s WAR! But nobody’s trying to kill anybody yet. Commercial yet again.
13. Richard wants to cut MIB off at the plane on the hydra island. He wants to destroy the plane. Sun’s upset because she wants to fly that plane out of there. But he doesn’t speak Korean so it’s kind of a wasted monologue. She’s a shoo-in for the Korean Emmys, however.
14. Back in LA, she and that Russian interpreter guy are at a bank. The teller says her account has been closed. Sun says no one else knows about that account! But apparently her dad did. He transferred the money to one of his accounts. What a jerk. And Jin finally enters the freezer from which we already know Sayid will rescue him. Keamy, meanwhile, is unaware that he’s going to get killed soon. He sends his friend to go get Sayid. Whoops. Keamy chats at him even though Jin can’t understand him. I bet he’ll reveal something interesting! Yep. He says that Sun’s dad knew all about Sun and Jin. The $25k was Keamy’s fee for killing Jin. Keamy is so creepy. He taps Jin and says “the heart wants what the heart wants”. So true. Anyway, Keamy says “some people just aren’t meant to be together” which is Alanis Morissette ironic. Anyway, apparently Tina Fey is a geophysicist. Widmore says to get the “package from the submarine” and take it to the infirmary. That package is Desmond, yes?
15. Widmore shows Jin a camera with photographs of his and Sun’s daughter. Jin’s happy. This can’t end well. I sense the application of leverage. Charles tells Jin that he can reunite him with Sun and his daughter, but he can’t do it unless they deal with MIB. Apparently if he gets off the Island, everyone will just “cease to be”. If you say so. Ooooh, he’s going to show him the package, which “is not a what; it’s a who”! That would have been shocking if we didn’t all suspect it already. ANOTHER commercial, for fuck’s sake. For Kindle. Sorry Amazon, it seems you’re already obsolete :( And then they take one more shot at getting me to watch V but seriously. Jay Leno would be better!
16. Jin’s in the deep freeze. We’re overhearing what we’ve already seen. Gunshots. Jin’s freaking out. Sayid finds him, duh-balls. Jin asks in Korean for him to let him go. Sayid doesn’t really care but he gives him a razor blade to cut himself loose. Meanwhile, the Russian guy pulls Sun into the kitchen. He notices something’s wrong. Like a few dead bodies. Oh wait, one of them’s moving! It’s Keamy! While the Russian talks to him, Jin pulls a gun on him. There’s some tense dialogue about who will kill whom. Then there’s some fighting. Then Jin shoots the guy in the eye. But also, Jin’s been shot in the fight. In the belly. And then she drops this bomb: she’s pregnant. That’s pretty messed up.
17. Jack and Sun talk on the beach. Well, he talks. She doesn’t. He figures out that she can still write even if she can’t speak English for some TV reason. Also, he gives her a tomato. Gross. She writes, “Sorry :(” — yes, she drew a sad face. Sun says she doesn’t trust MIB. But don’t worry, she does trust Jack. I trust you too, Jack! He tells her that he’ll help her find Jin and get off the Island. He promises. He’s made a lot of promises.
18. Sawyer and Kate talk. Yes, they are technically in this episode. Anyway, he says he’s worried but he has a feeling that things are almost over. Which, yeah, we know. 6 more episodes. MIB reapproaches the camp. He says he sent Sayid after the “package”. We see Sayid swimming up to the pier. And we see the bad guys dragging a guy out of the sub. And it’s… OMG DESMOND. Oh wait, we all knew it was him. Except my flatmate, who didn’t even remember who Desmond is. Pathetic.
19. Anyway, that’s it. Now V is starting so I guess it’s time to set my television on fire.
20. LOST

Final thoughts: I’m not really convinced that anything happened this week. Well, a little bit happened in the alternate timeline. But aside from that it was pretty much just moving chess pieces around to set up what I hope will be more eventful stuff down the road. But you know, it was okay. Still no Shannon, Vincent, Rose, Bernard, Boone, Charlie, Anna-Lucia, or Juliet, though. And barely any Hurley, Miles, Lapidus, or Kate, for that matter. And no Jacob. And no polar bears. It’s all right, though, I’m sure we’ll get all our answers next week, when Desmond wakes up.