Lost: A Richard Runs Through It

Semi-live, spoilery thoughts on tonight’s Lost, in which I expect we’ll find out that Richard is actually a Vulcan, coming right up:

1. Last week on Lost: In LA, Sawyer and Miles were cops! Kate wore a hoodie just like Merton! Charlotte returned, dressed sexily! Oh, and Sawyer on the Island told Kate he planned on stealing a submarine and somehow driving it off the Island even though he’s, like, not a marine navigator. I was, and remain, dubious. The “previously on Lost” scenes begin with one I don’t remember, of Richard with a ship in a bottle. Anyway, let’s move on to tonight’s episode, which I expect to be eventful. I won’t be recapping scene-by-scene, necessarily, but I will tell you when the most ridiculous stuff happens.
2. We open on an eye! A bandaged eye! It’s Alana, I think! And Jacob visiting her in the hospital. Aw crap, we’ve already seen this. C’mon guys, we’re running out of show here, don’t waste it on deja vu. Oh okay, we get more of the scene this time. Jacob gave her a list of names. 6 candidates. HE says “this is what you’ve been preparing for”. Sun is telling Jack and Hurley about the candidate thing. Lapidus is there too! Oh man and we flashback again! Fun times. Jacob told Alana to ask Ricardus for help. Ricardus is Richard, by the way. Richard giggles because he’s cracking up a little bit. Richard says that Jacob’s a big fat liar. He says everybody’s dead, and the Island isn’t what they think it is. “We’re in Hell“. All the fans are like, dude, didn’t you pay attention at ComicCon? Lindelof said it’s not Hell! Anyway, Richard grabs a torch and runs off into the jungle to “listen to someone else”. What the what? Credits.
3. Still with the V? No, ABC, I will not watch V. That’s a bridge too far.
4. Alana says she’s going after Richard. Then everybody tells Jack about MIB. What the fuck, you guys seriously didn’t tell him about this yet? Then, rather than ask what they’re talking about, Jack goes over to Hurley and asks him why he’s speaking Spanish into the darkness. Hurley says he’s not talking to Jacob. Seems like everybody’s kinda losing it at this point. That’s the last time we’ll see Jack this week, by the way (not to mention everyone else from their camp except Hurley). The editing on this episode so far is likewise… eccentric. Kinda frantic, with continuous quick intercuts (if that’s a word) from scene to scene, which I find interesting. It’s quite a divergence from the rest of this (and prior) seasons. I wonder if it’ll continue.
5. Anyway, as Lapidus wonders at Richard’s lack of aging, we cut to Richard on a horse, riding around on Tenerife, Canary Islands, in 1867. Nice. He approaches and enters a cabin, where some woman asks if it’s him, “Ricardo”. Turns out it’s “Isabella”, and she is hella sick. She coughs up blood, so it looks like movie consumption. Also, she looks like… Salma Hayek? That can’t be right though, can it? Anyway, she takes off her necklace (a cross) and gives it to him. He’s sad. She says “cierra tus ojos” which means “close your eyes”. Then she says “we’ll always be together”. Then he says “I will save you”. Oh, that was all in Spanish FYI. Then he rides off into the rainy night.
6. He gets to some guy who’s gnawing decadently on some chicken wings. The guy says he has medicine that can save her life, but it’s very expensive. Richard gives him money and the necklace. The guy says the necklace is worthless. Then he tries to kick Richard out! Then Richard throws him! He hits his head on the table! He’s bleeding like crazy on the floor! Richard has the medicine! He runs! He rides back to Salma!?! She’s dead already. Drat. He cries, even though that’s really Jack’s usual role. The police find him and he gets locked up. I’m guessing this will end up with him locked in the Black Rock.
7. We’re still in flashback, by the way. A priest visits him. Richard was reading a bible, which is (conveniently for Americans with DVR) in English. It’s turned to Luke 4:24-37 or so, which begins “And he said, Verily I say unto you, No prophet is accepted in his own country.” Then there’s some other stuff involving Elias that I’m sure Lostpedia will sort out tomorrow. Anyway, Ricardo says he’s been teaching himself English because his wife and he were going to start a family in the New World. So much for that. Richard gives his confession. He begs for God’s forgiveness. The priest says “no”. Burn. Richard asks how he can get God’s forgiveness. The priest says he doesn’t have to do anything — tomorrow he will be hanged, so it’s off to Hell with him. Or… the Island? Commercial time so we can all think about the cruel and unforgiving God who would not grant absolution to a guy who accidentally killed a guy. [For more on this theme, consider Sunday's premiere of Breaking Bad -- ed.] Commercial time. That French girl at the cafe still wants credit for Windows 7. Aim higher, mademoiselle.
8. Could we possibly still be in flashback? This is a crazy episode, structurally. We see the gallows through Richard’s cell bars. Some dudes come in to take him. They blindfold him and drag him through the dark, dank prison to a guy who asks, in English, “is this him?” He checks Richard’s teeth. He asks the priest if he speaks English. The priest says “yes, Mr. Whitfield”. WHITFIELD? That sounds familiarish. Anyway, after Richard says he speaks English, the guy basically asks if he’s interested in being enslaved in the New World. But he doesn’t ask as much as give the priest some money and say that Richard is now the property of Magnus FUCKIN HANSO. Ugh guys, this is great. Hanso is basically not even a character from past seasons of Lost. He’s a central character, however, from the Lost Experience, an ARG created to keep nerds interested in Lost between seasons 2 and 3. But he seemed very important to the show’s mythology at that point, and it appears they’re going to integrate him in the show-proper now. Neat. Also, I’m still wondering if that was really Salma Hayek. I think it was! [Nope, see below -- ed.]
9. Wham. Cut to the BLACK ROCK on some serious CGI water. It actually looks pretty good. Everybody is shackled to the boat. Someone sees land. Island. Also, there’s a statue! THE STATUE! One of the slaves thinks it’s the devil. What an idiot. Oh, PS, it’s nighttime now, so it’s probably not the Black Rock that Jacob and MIB see in the scene that started last season’s finale (where MIB tells Jacob “do you have any idea how much I want to kill you?”). Oh, PPS, the Black Rock FUCKING SLAMS INTO THE TOP OF THE STATUE. So I guess now we know how that got broken. This is super awesome! Cut to…
10. The Black Rock, looking fake as ever, in the jungle. Everybody wakes up, the slaves still in chains. Some dude is like, God spared us. Richard is like, WTF. He hears some American voices up top. Here comes Captain Whitfield again. He stabs a guy in the stomach. It’s rough. He stabs someone else. Looks like he’s going to kill everybody. He kills the only other guy who isn’t Richard because they are shipwrecked and have no supplies or anything. He approaches Richard. He says if he freed Richard it’d only be a matter of time before he tried to kill him. He rears back to stab him and… SMOKE MONSTER SOUNDS! SMOKE MONSTER MONSTERING! VIOLENT DEATHS! Whitfield is worried. I would be also. Of course, then he gets sucked into the jungle by the smoke monster, so I guess that’s it for him. Now some animal noises happen, and also smoke monster noises, and the smoke monster enters the cabin and approaches Richard. It stares at him and makes static snapping sounds for a while. Then it’s gone. Then it’s a commercial. What the hell was that? By the way, we’re not even halfway through the episode. I guess I was right about that eventfulness!
11. ABC is so goofy that they have to do a snarky recap of the episodes of V they aired 4 months ago so that people can be caught up in time to continue not watching it when it starts airing again.
12. Okay, back at the Black Rock. A CGI moth flies around as Richard tries desperately to get out of his chains. It doesn’t work but it does start raining. He tries to reach over to get to the water that drips down but he fails because he’s a failure. After what we presume must have been a long time he manages to pry a nail out of the wood. Then after a concomitantly longer time he manages to wedge some wood out of the wall with the nail. Then he wakes up later and a boar is EATING HIS FRIEND. IT CHARGES HIM! It misses! Then it leaves. Anyway, this whole scene is kind of weird. What’s the point? Later he wakes up and a female Spanish voice is asking if anyone is there. It’s… Isabella! But you know, it’s probably not really her. She tells him that she’s dead, they’re both dead. This is Hell. She’s here to save him before he comes back. He who? THE DEVIL! Apparently she looked in his eyes and all she saw was evil. Also, I’m less sure that it’s Salma. It may just be an impersonator. As she tries to free him from his chains, the smoke monster noises start again. He tells her to run away! She does. Oh, and then it sounds like the smoke monster kills her like crazy. She screams. Presumably this puppet show is intended to make Richard a compliant servant of the Island. All Jacob has to do now is convince Richard that they can kill the smoke monster! Oh, and in the next scene, Jacob touches Richard’s shoulder to wake him. Only it’s NOT JACOB. It’s the goddamn Man In Black! Nice. If the actor’s name hadn’t been in Comcast’s info for the episode it would have been more surprising, but still good. He tells Richard that he’s “a friend”. And you know what? I maintain that he will turn out to be one. But for now we’re obviously supposed to take this statement with a grain of salt. Richard asks if he’s in Hell. MIB says yes. He says he was on the Island long before the ship. Richard asks about his wife. MIB is like, he has her. You know… him. Richard says he wants to save Isabella. MIB says he’ll help. He wants to be free too. He says he’ll free Richard if Richard will help him — will do anything he asks. MIB frees him. Then MIB says “it’s good to see you out of those chains”. Nice, we’re doing callbacks to stuff that happened like 4 episodes ago. Well, I’ll take it. It at least indicates that they’re thinking 4 episodes ahead. Anyway, MIB helps him up and tells him they’re going to escape. He says “there’s only one way to escape from Hell. We’re going to have to kill the devil”. Nice line! Commercials.
13. I really want to check and see if that’s Salma Hayek. But a) I can’t look at anything online til the episode’s over or I might get SPOILERED; and b) just so you guys know, I won’t go back and delete all the Salma Hayek stuff if it turns out it’s not her. I mean, if it’s not her you’ll already know by now that I didn’t do that, because you already read my idiotic speculations. Of course, now if it is her I lost points for not being sure I recognized her until checking IMDB or whatever. So I guess I’m definitely a doofus either way. [Note: turns out it's obviously not Salma Hayek. It's Mirelly Taylor, whom you surely remember from the Crash TV show episode, "Your Ass Belongs to the Gypsies". We regret the error -- ed.] That concludes this aside. The show, presumably, is about to return to the longest flashback sequence Lost has ever had:
14. Yep. MIB has roasted a boar for Richard to munch on. He tells Richard to walk west, to the statue. He says Richard will find the devil there. He gives Richard a big old stabbing knife and gives the same speech that Dogen gave Sayid regarding MIB! Which is basically: “stab the crap out of him as soon as you see him, don’t let him say a lying word to you”. Man, this is good stuff. Except: why isn’t he speaking Spanish? MIB reveals that he’s the smoke monster. He says that “he” took Isabella. He also says that the devil betrayed him, took his body, his humanity. Interesting. MIB seems to have a pretty standard M.O. Anyway, he tells Richard that if he ever wants to see Isabella again he’s going to have to get a little stabby. Richard tromps off into the jungle, the chronological first patsy we’ve seen take orders from a guy who refuses to explain what the hell is going on.
15. He spies the foot of the statue by the beach and walks over there. He pulls out the kife. And.. he gets punched in the face! He gets punched in the face again! He pulls the knife out! He gets punched in the face again! Oh yeah, it’s Jacob. He’s kind of mad. That’s a new one. He asks Richard about MIB. For the first time ever, Jacob looks surprised. But he quickly figures out what we already knew. MIB faked Richard’s wife to try to get him to do what he couldn’t: kill Jacob. Anyway, Jacob tells Richard that he’s not really dead. Then he drags him out to the water. He basically waterboards him. It’s odd. I guess the idea is that if Richard doesn’t enjoy the sensation of drowning he must not be dead yet. Jacob tells him to get up because “we need to talk”. And then there’s more commercials.
16. SHUT UP ABOUT V. I AM NOT GOING TO WATCH IT.
17. Jacob carries some wine over to Richard, who is swaddled in a blanket. He tells Richard that nobody goes into the statue hidey-hole unless Jacob invites them in. He also tells Richard that he’s not the devil. But wouldn’t the devil say that? Anyway, Jacob tells him that he brought the Black Rock to the Island, because… oh boy, there’s an analogy coming! “Think of this wine as what you keep calling Hell… there’s many other names for it, too. Malevolence, evil, darkness…” Anyway, it’s in a bottle, with a cork. The Island is the cork! “And it’s the only thing keeping the darkness… where it belongs”. He says that he brings people to the Island to prove MIB wrong. He says once you get to the Island, the past doesn’t matter. He says there were many others before Richard. He says they’re all dead, though. He says he wants the people to help themselves, to know right from wrong without Jacob’s help. This sounds kind of like the Bible. Anyway, Jacob offers to have Richard act as his representative, to help steer people in the right direction. Richard says he wants his wife back. Jacob says he can’t do that. He also can’t absolve Richard of his sins. But he CAN make Richard immortal, which he apparently does just by touching his shoulder again. Richard stumbles back to MIB. He hands MIB a white stone, from Jacob. MIB says that Jacob can be very convincing, but if Richard ever changes his mind, MIB’s offer still stands. He hands Richard his wife’s necklace. Nice move. Then he just disappears. Richard buries the necklace for some reason I can’t quite understand. Also, he’s crying again. He says “goodbye, my love”. And we finally flash to the present.
18. Richard (dressed all in black!) stumbles back to what appears to be the same place and starts digging. There’s the necklace! He mutters, “I’ve changed my mind.” Then he kind of yells it. “I was wrong! You said I could change my mind. Does the offer still stand? DOES THE OFFER STILL STAND?” Guess who’s behind you! It’s Hurley! Hurley is like, what offer? Oh, duh, “your wife sent me”. That’s who he was talking to! She just told him about the cross. Apparently she’s standing right next to him. Now we can see her. Hurley speaks a little Spanish to her. Hurley translates for them. Richard asks if she’s really there. She says “cierra tus ojos” which I remember from earlier in the episode. He does so. She says “it wasn’t your fault that I died, Richard. As much as you wanted to save me it was my time.” But she says it in Spanish. Anyway, she tells him it’s okay. She says “we are already together”. Then she kisses his cheek. This is basically like Ghost with a fat guy (which would probably make a lot of money). Anyway, she disappears and Richard puts on the necklace. Then Hurley reveals that she said one more thing. She said he has to stop MIB from leaving the Island, because if he doesn’t, “we all go to Hell”. But instead of cutting to black on that line like we usually would, we cut to a distance shot of the area where Hurley and Richard are standing. In the foreground, the Locke version of MIB stands, watching. He looks back and…
19. Nope, still not over! We see the original MIB, sitting and staring off into HawaiiThe Island. Jacob approaches, sits beside him. Notes that MIB got his white stone. He asks why MIB tried to kill him. MIB says he wants to leave. Jacob says that as long as he’s alive, MIB won’t leave the Island. MIB logically points out that this is why he’s trying to kill Jacob. But someone else will just take his place, Jacob retorts. MIB says he’ll just kill them, too. Fair. Jacob gives MIB the edifying wine bottle and says he’ll see him around. MIB, smashes the wine bottle on the log. I wonder if he knew that it was a symbol for his own captivity!
20. LOST

That was pretty fun, you guys. We’re starting to see some of the details of how this Jacob/MIB stuff works, and how it has repeated itself for centuries. We kind of see why Richard is immortal (because the genie couldn’t grant his first two wishes, I guess). And apparently we know now that someone can take Jacob’s place now that he’s dead. So here’s a question: does Richard have a place in the alternate timeline (which we didn’t see at all this week)? If so, what is it? And here’s another question: what happens if they succeed in killing MIB? Won’t he have a successor lined up, too? And will it be Sayid? Oh, and one more question. Is this show just going to end up being a clumsy Biblical parable? If so, how annoyed will I be?

Oh, and here’s the usual list of characters who weren’t in this episode: Jack (basically), Locke (kinda), Ben & Lapidus & Alana & Sun (more or less), Miles, Sawyer, Kate, Charlie, Boone, Shannon, Vincent, Michael, Walt, Claire, Jin, Sayid, Charles Widmore, Desmond, Penny, Libby, Anna-Lucia, Tricia Tanaka, Keamy, Arzt, Frogurt, Pierre Chang, Rose, and Bernard. And probably some others as well. This show has had a lot of characters.