Lost: Episodes 12-14

You know what’s up:

Episode 12 (Whatever the Case May Be)

1. Kate wanders around in the jungle. She thinks she’s getting followed. She throws a rock. It’s Sawyer! He was following her hoping she’d take her shirt off. They stumble upon a beautiful waterfall and Sawyer gets his wish: Kate doesn’t take her shirt off; just her pants! While cavorting pathetically underwater they see–whoa–a body! BODIES! DEAD BODIES FROM A PLANE CRASH! Gross. Sawyer decides to scavenge for stuff. Kate tries to get a metal briefcase she says is her’s. It’s locked and they don’t have the key. So now we’ll have to spend all episode wondering what’s in the case. I’m hoping it’s porn.
2. Boone is evasive about what he’s up to with Locke. He tells Shannon that they’re looking for Claire. Then he calls her “useless” which seems mean. Kate sees Sawyer walking around with that briefcase and gets that Gollum look. Her precious. So now we flashback to her at a bank asking for a loan or something. Then there’s a bank robbery! Turns out, of course, that Kate is actually an accomplice and loves the bank robber. Although we don’t get that info in the first flashback. Anyway, she’s on the beach hoping to steal her briefcase back while Sawyer’s asleep. But he wakes up. There’s a boring struggle. He keeps the briefcase (which it turns out is a Halliburton!).
3. Shannon is wearing a bikini again. She’s taking her top off! It’s the best. Sayid is like, you have heard about skin cancer, yes? And then they talk about a favor he needs to ask her: translating Rousseau’s papers. She’s giving him sultry eyes, as if to say “I’ll show Boone how useless I am!”
4. Rose calls Charlie out on being rude because he’s just staring into space weeping about Claire being gone. She has a point. He helps her, and in doing so finds a modicum of peace. Presumably.
5. Shannon and Sayid work on translating Rousseau’s stuff. He tells her he believes in her and thinks she’s smart, which is always a good thing to tell a beautiful woman if you want her to sleep with you. FYI.
6. Jack and Kate find the key so they can open the case. Oh, and Kate told Jack that the case had a bunch of guns in it. We’ll see when they open it.
7. Okay so back in the flashback, it turns out that Kate’s killed some of her co-conspirators in the commission of the robbery and now she’s on the hook for felony murder (which is the same thing as regular murder, prison-wise). Also she was setting her co-conspirators up the whole time and doesn’t really love that guy! Anyway, they open the case and it turns out that it contains guns, like she said. And an envelope marked “personal effects”. In that envelope? “It belongs to the man I killed! /weeping”. Whatever. When do we get the flashback about her blowing up her mom’s boyfriend?
8. Charlie and Rose discuss Bernard. She is confident that’s still alive, because she just knows. Okay… “It’s a fine line between denial and faith. It’s better on my side.” That is UTTER NONSENSE but it sounds good coming from Rose. Anyway, Charlie cries now. He misses the Shire. At the same time, Shannon and Sayid have a romantic bonding moment. She says that Rousseau’s writing was actually the lyrics to “La Mer” which is a nice song with the same music as “Beyond the Sea. I don’t remember why that’s interesting but I guess it will be revealed eventually. Episode over.

Episode 13 (Hearts and Minds)

1. Whose eye this time? Boone’s! He’s staring at Sayid and Shannon, who are getting friendly. Boone is annoyed. Anyway, we flash back to Boone dressed like a dork at a country club. Shannon calls him, freaking out, and tells him to come to Sydney and help her. Back on the Island, Boone tells Sayid to stay away from his sister. Sayid doesn’t seem too worried.
2. Kate’s foraging for stuff to eat. Jack comes across her and watches her from the shadows. It’s a little weird. She sees him though, because he’s not good at subtlety. Anyway, she is planting passionfruit seeds in a garden that she and Sun put together.
3. Flashback time. Boone’s in Sydney. He found Shannon’s abusive rugby boyfriend. She’s acting like she doesn’t want to see him but he showed off a giant bruise on her forehead because of her abusive rugby boyfriend. Boone is probably upset about that whole scene. Let’s see what happens next!
4. Poor Jin still has a handcuff on one wrist from when they locked him up for beating Michael’s face in. Hurley wants Jin to help him catch fish. They’ll be best friends soon.
5. Boone doesn’t like lying to Shannon about what they do all day (i.e., dig around the hatch). He wants to tell her the truth. Locke is like, maybe I’ll just knock you unconscious and tie you up then. Then he mixes a powerful hallucinogen, which he makes Boone ingest. He has a vision quest. But first we flash back to Boone reporting the rugby abuse to the Sydney police. We see the police bringing in Sawyer, yelling and fighting! Then we learn that Shannon is his step-sister. No… blood… relation. FYI. The police are no help, so Boone goes to the rugby guy and tells him to leave her. He offers him $25k. Rugby guy counters with $50k. Boone grabs his checkbook.
6. At the garden, Kate figures out that Sun understands English. At this rate everyone will know by the end of Season 17.
7. Jin caught a bunch of fish. Hurley can’t catch anything. Then he steps on an urchin, which I believe is a really bad thing. Hurley is complaining a lot about the pain and/or the chance of poisoning. Hurley is begging Jin to pee on it, which is funny.
8. Sayid’s making a compass! Locke comes upon him. They talk about the various levels of boy scoutery. Locke reveals that he “wasn’t the most popular kid”. And so he remains. He gives Sayid a compass to use instead of the hand-fashioned one.
9. Boone’s vision quest has begun. He’s hearing Shannon crying for help. And then loud scary noises from the jungle. He unties himself with the knife Locke left him and runs into the jungle where he finds Shannon tied to a tree while smoke monster noises abound. They run away into the weird trees that have room inside their tendrils. After a while it seems they’re safe, so they leave the tree. Shannon starts asking Boone what he did to Locke. Then we flashback to Shannon, telling Boone that she scammed him for that $50k. Rugby guy sets him straight and asks him to leave. Boone calls Shannon a bitch. Then the rugby guy beats the crap out of him. A lot of people get their asses kicked on Lost. Then Boone leaves. Okay, back to the vision quest: Shannon and Boone argue about Locke; Boone takes Locke’s side, then tells Shannon about the hatch. She asks where it goes and then Boone explains that he doesn’t know. And then THE SMOKE MONSTER STARTS CHASING THEM AGAIN! It sounds like a mastodon. It catches Shannon and eviscerates her a little bit. Boone freaks out and we cut to the flashback. And it’s Shannon, come to Boone’s hotel room. The rugby guy took the money and left! She’s sad, and drunk. She says Boone’s in love with her and that’s why he brought the money! He denies it but it’s obviously true. Also, she tries to get him to make out with her. It’s kinda weird. They make out. It’s very weird. Doesn’t anyone take step-siblingness seriously anymore? Anyway, they totally boned. Afterwards she wants to just go back to normal. Boone’s like, I’ve been to the forbidden kingdom–you can’t make me stay away forever now! Back in the vision quest, Boone finds Shannon’s decimated body in a rocky stream. It looks gross–not semi-incest gross, just gross. He sobs. Later (and not in a vision quest anymore) he’s walking in the woods and comes across Locke. He tries to stab Locke but Locke explains that Boone was just having a crazy drug-fueled nightmare. Turns out Shannon is just fine–flirting up a storm with Sayid on the other side of the fire. Locke asks how Boone felt when he thought Shannon was dead. Boone says he felt relieved. That’s pretty messed up. On the other hand, it means Boone will let Shannon be Sayid’s special lady, I guess.
10. In the real world, Sayid has discovered some magnetic anomalies on the Island. That’s probably the last we’ll hear about it.
11. Jack and Locke talk by the beach. Jack asks where Boone is. Locke obfuscates. I could live without seeing any scene that meets that description for the rest of the show.
12. Jin makes Hurley eat urchin. Hurley is surprised to find it tasty. No, just kidding, he pukes. It’s funny. Soon thereafter, Jin gives Hurley a fish. They’re best friends forever now. Charlie gets some kind of medicine from Jack. Maybe it’s anti-whimsy pills? Nah, it’s just aspirin. Charlie tells Jack that he trusts Locke implicitly. Jack gives Kate guava seeds for the garden. A lot of people giving people stuff in this episode.

Episode 14 (Special)

1. I watched this episode while cooking and then eating dinner. So don’t expect much.
2. This is a Michael episode. We open with him looking around for Walt. By “looking for” I mean yelling his kid’s name into the jungle over and over again. I remember this getting old.
3. Okay so we flashback to a younger Michael very excited about having a kid (he has a pregnant girlfriend in law school). He thinks she’ll be the breadwinner for the family. Spoiler alert: law school is expensive! She’ll be paying off student debt for decades!
4. Locke’s teaching Walt to throw a knife. Walt does his creepy thing and is a savant. Boone says “whoa” and Keanu Reeves shivers at the prospect of losing his place in Hollywood. Then everybody fights and Locke says that Walt is “different”. We’re all like, duh. Michael says “stay away from my son”. I sympathize.
5. Flashback to Michael being an artist and his wife deciding to take baby Walt to Amsterdam. Michael’s not happy about this development. They argue. It’s sad. Back on the Island, he tells Sun about how he missed Walt’s childhood and howhe’s determined not to let Walt grow up on the Island.
6. Sayid and Shannon explain to Jack something about Rousseau’s map. Michael is skeptical. He wants to focus on getting off the Island. Let’s build a raft! Meanwhile, Walt is reading a spanish comic book about polar bears to Vincent. Michael tells him about how he is an artist but actually Walt doesn’t care. Michael overbears him. Then we flashback to how his girlfriend is seeing someone new–her boss!–and he goes nuts. He runs off to fly to Amsterdam to get Walt back! But then he is immediately hit by a car. Whoops.
7. Charlie and Sawyer get in a fistfight because it’s been like 8 minutes since someone got punched in the face. But it’s worth it because Charlie tells Sawyer, “you hit like a ponce”. That’s awesome.
8. Shannon asks Boone to help her build the raft with Michael. But Boone is like, I’m so over you. Forget Boone–I’ll help you, Shannon.
9. The Locke/Michael/Walt nonsense continues. Michael throws the comic book in the fire because Walt doesn’t listen to him and always wants to hang with Locke. It’s hard to sympathize with him on this one. In flashback, he’s recovering from his car accident. His (ex)girlfriend shows up. She didn’t bring Walt. I dunno, I think it’s kind of rough to take your kid away from his dad for his whole childhood. And then she tells Michael that she’s marrying that other dude and they’re moving to Italy. And the other dude wants to adopt Walt! This is ridiculous. I can’t abide such horrible behavior! And from a lawyer!
10. Back on the Island, Michael found out that Walt ran away. Michael is super mad. He goes to Locke and asks where he is. Locke says he’s not there and Michael doesn’t believe him. Michael walks off angrily and then worriedly because this means that Walt is actually missing. Father of the year award!
11. Flashback: Walt’s mom feels ill. Spoiler: she’s gonna die soon. But first Walt makes a bird fly into the glass. One from the book about birds he’s been reading. With his mind. Kind of like how a polar bear showed up when he was reading a comic book about polar bears? This is one of those things that I think we will never get an explanation for! And then we are back on the Island and Walt is about to encounter the smoke monster.
12. And then we’re back in a flashback where Michael’s ex’s husband tells him she’s dead and he doesn’t want Walt. It’s messed up. But Michael goes to Australia to pick him up because that’s how he rolls. Walt’s babysitter gives Michael a box which contains “something Walt should have”. Of course we don’t get to see what’s in the box yet but I’m going to assume it’s the recipe for a pumpkin cheesecake. Now we go back to the Island where A TERRIFYING CGI POLAR BEAR is after Walt. But then we flashback AGAIN (this is getting silly–well, sillier) to where Michael picks Walt up in Sydney. Walt doesn’t recognize him, which is sad. Walt asks where his stepdad is, which is also sad. Walt doesn’t want to go with Michael, but Michael is a good guy and lies to him–he says Walt’s stepdad wants custody but he (Michael) won’t let him. Okay the fake polar bear is after Walt again. Locke and Michael eventually manage to help Walt out after Walt stabs the polar bear on the special effects paw.Then Michael punches the bear in the face and it runs away for some reason. And then Michael and Walt are friends again.
13. So we get to see what’s in the box–it’s all the stuff Michael sent to Walt throughout his life, that Walt’s mom never gave him! What a jerk she was!
14. Charlie’s reading Claire’s diary and finds out a clue! She was dreaming about a black rock. AND THE BLACK ROCK IS A BOAT! And then they will go there and find Ricard Alpert’s old toothbrush or something.
15. Locke and Boone traipse around in the jungle blowing whistles looking for Vincent. They found a crazy-eyed Claire! And then the episode ends so we don’t know what’s up with her.