I am liveblogging the Top Chef finale. Well, DVR-live (starting late so I don’t have to watch any commercials that aren’t built into the show itself (tonight’s Gladware Swansons Kraft Challenge: Make a Hostess Cupcake out of Tofutti!). Spoilers begin after the break.
10:00: Still recovering from that Lost shocker. I can’t believe Kate killed and ate Charles Widmore! (I haven’t seen tonight’s Lost yet). Anyway, while I wait for the commercials to spool, might as well make a prediction or two. First of all, I agree with the internet conventional wisdom: Stefan is highly favored, Carla’s got a puncher’s chance, and Hosea screwed up his karma when he made out with Leah. I think that’s the final order. But you never know what will happen in the finals (Ilan). I just hope there’s some entertainment in the next hour. Oh, and I expect Stefan to be portrayed as a total dick, no matter what actually happened. Now, let’s get started with the bloggin’.
10:01: By the way, after reading this interview with Carla today, I am shamelessly rooting for her. Even if she is a total crazypants yoga fiend, I really think she’s been great this season. It’s been impressive to see her improve.
10:02: Apparently, Stefan is here to win. How insightful! Also, he disdains Hosea. I’ll be sure to alert the proper authorities. Glad to hear that the final challenge is a simple one: your best three course meal. I guess it’s like that every year, but it really is refreshing after all the goofy shit they make the chefs do to get here. PS: they must be freezing their asses off–Tom’s wearing a freaking parka and they’re stuck in chef’s coats.
10:04: Nice to see the past runners-up. Marcel was very much a Stefan in his season (I can’t BELIEVE they aired Stefan calling him “a bit of a twat”, incidentally–wow).
10:06: Hosea explains that “this is a competition”. Good to know! More production drama. Let’s see the food, y’all! I don’t want to see you arguing about who took all the stuff. Anyway, it’s nice to see Casey working with Carla–they both took similar paths to the finals (starting slow, improving all the way, cooking simple and delicious food). It’ll be interesting to see how this turns out.
Commercial. FFW!
10:13: Oh lord, I couldn’t care any less about the staged voodoo performance they threw in in the middle of the commercials to interrupt my blessed FFWing.
10:17: One more course? Gosh! Nobody wants to get stuck with gator, of course… let’s see who is King (um, or Queen) for the day…
10:18: And, it’s Hosea. I guess they needed some way to even things out. He, of course, sticks Stefan with alligator. Incidentally, I’m strugging desperately to come up with a hilarious reference to Remy LeBeau. But I can’t.
10:20: So Stefan is making gator soup. Should be boring. Carla’s making soup too, but I bet she can make a nice one. Hosea has redfish. To be honest, I don’t know what that is, but I assume he’ll manage to overcook it. Apparently not–he’s doing a sashimi. Probably wise. Oh, no, wait, the sashimi is part of his regular three courses: 1) Trio of Sashimi, 2) Scallops & Foie Gras, 3) Venison. Well, that’s boring as all get out, but on the other hand scallops and foie gras sounds decidedly awesome. We’ll see…
10:21: Stefan’s three (non-bonus) courses: Halibut/Salmon Carpaccio, Squab with Braised Red Cabbage and “Schupfnudeln”, and (dessert!) ice cream & chocolate mouse with vanilla syrup and zzZZzzzzZzzz… I mean, Lollipops. I predict that will be his undoing. Even if he doesn’t screw it up, you want to finish stronger than ice cream and chocolate mousse.
Carla’s doing Seared Snapper, Sous-Vide Steak, and a Cheese Tart. This is smart because a) steak is delicious and b) Carla actually knows how to bake pastries, so the tart will be a nice semi-sweet end the meal. Smart, Carla! YOU CAN DO IT. Oh wait. Casey convinced her to do a bleu cheese soufflé. Whoops. That could be bad. Real bad.
10:22: Marcel throws Stefan under the bus for freezing fresh fish. Nice choice of partners, Stefan!
More ads. Betty and Stephanie shilling for Diet Dr. Pepper–living the dream!
10:27: Okay, now they’re at the location. “Star-studded guests” I haven’t heard of awkwardly stand around for the cameras. Back in the kitchen, Hosea is babbling about how nervous he is. He names the guests for us so we know to be impressed. He passes out his “red fish on corn cake with creole rémoulade and”–I shit you not–”micro cilantro”. The presentation is effete as hell. Guests start biting. Word on the street is: it’s awesome! Nice presentation, tastes good.
10:29: Stefan is bringing out his little alligator soup and singing a weird song aimed at intimidating Hosea. It’s officially “alligator soup with celeriac, parsley leaves & puff pastry”. Because who doesn’t want puff pastry in their ALLIGATOR SOUP? Everyone loves this one, too. A long-haired french dude compliments the puff pastry, so that shows what I know. Fabio is there! And he says nice things about his BFF. Toby Young is also there but that’s the last mention I will make of that unfunny weenie.
10:30: Carla made a “shiso soup with blue crab & chayote thai salsa”. It’s served in one of those soup spoons that stand up on their own. Looks kind of like chunky guacamole soaking in watery guacamole. I predict all the judges will love the shit out of this one, too. Let’s see… oh, they do! They like the crab. Branford Marsalis is there??? Weird.
10:31: Everybody comes out to meet the guests, including Rocco “Ram Jam” DiSpirito. There are also others, like Gail, and He Who Will Not Be Named.
10:32: Here come the first courses. I’m not gonna write out the full names, but I gave you the basics above, and if they screw up something in particular I’ll note it for you. Or not–you’re not paying for this! Anyway, John Besh (*this* close to being the winner of the Food Network’s Iron Chef show) says that Carla’s dish is “something special”. And he should know–he has hair a lot like Michael Ruhlman’s. Tom likes it too, so does BRANFORD. Anyway, everybody loves it.
Hosea’s dish is NOT a hit. What a shocker. Bland, apparently.
Stefan’s dish is also iffy–guess what, freezing the fish bugged Tom! The french dude liked it, though. Branford compares cooking to music as everyone smiles and nods, like, yes Branford, you’re very insightful, now would you shut up and let us eat?
10:34: Second courses are out. Duelling foie grases (Stefan’s and Hosea’s dishes both have it). Gail finds Carla’s loin to be tough. Not in an erotic way. There is concurrence and Tom says it’s because she sous-vided it (CASEY’S IDEA!!!). Fabio’s not into it. Everyone is bummed by it.
The judges want to rub up against Stefan’s squab, though (also not erotic). Gail is caught in a love triangle with the squab and Hosea’s scallops/foie. Branford too. It’s kinda weird.
10:35: They made Hosea talk about Stefan as a rival again. We in the audience took a quick nap.
10:36: Prepping the third courses. Carla forgot to turn down the oven and her soufflé boiled/curdled. Let’s remember how I said that soufflé was a mistake. Anyway, she can’t serve it so she doesn’t put it on her plate. Think we’ll be hearing about that again?
10:37: Now they’re bringing the final courses out. Stefan’s chef’s coat is filthy. That’s gotta be points off. His dessert looks much more interesting than it sounded–a lot of goofy-ass presentation going on. I think I’d eat it.
Carla’s plate is mighty spare–an “apple tart coin” with a chunk of bleu cheese and some kind of green stuff (“cress salad”, apparently). It doesn’t exactly make me want to lick my tv screen (bad idea, kids).
Hosea’s venison looks goddamn delicious, and the wild mushrooms look good too. Carbonated blackberries courtesy of one Richard Blais. That’s a dish I would definitely order for myself. If he just didn’t screw it up, I suspect he’ll win this round.
10:38: Everyone is annoyed with Carla’s plate, and Gail is sad that Carla screwed it up. Some dude in a tie likes that Stefan made dessert, but Tom thinks it’s boring. And Gail hates the presentation (I guess I don’t have the eye). Tom says that Hosea’s venison is perfectly cooked, and Gail liked it too. Fabio talks a little smack about Stefan finishing with the dessert, surprising even himself. He says that Hosea closed the meal best, as much as “it hurt me to say it”. The long-haired french dude complains about Hosea shying away from making dessert, but Tom specifically told them all that they had no obligation to do dessert! Shut up, french hippie! Also, if Hosea had tried to make a dessert it would have been mediocre and they would have complained about that. You know this to be true. Gail’s décolletage is outta control. Marriage suits her.
10:40: That’s it. Now the debriefing. Carla’s bummed that she didn’t do her best. Stefan seems okay. Hosea is happy and thanks Richard for his help. I’m starting to worry that he might actually win this one. Truth be told, he really should if it’s all based on this challenge. But Stefan is so much better than him that I would be kinda bummed if it works out that way.
Commercial time again.
10:44: Judges’ Table (and I am so happy that Bravo gets that apostrophe right). I’m not going to recap everything they say but I’ll try to note the interesting stuff. They’re going person by person.
Carla: They liked her first two courses (the bonus course and the appetizer). They are not as enthused about the next course (the sous-vide steak). Voldemort is making a face and whining but he doesn’t matter. The rest of the judges agree though–and Tom ferrets out that the sous-vide was Casey’s idea. That will be a problem. Now comes the soufflé beatdown. Why a soufflé? Casey’s idea! Basically Casey fucked up the entire challenge for Carla. But sweet Carla would never throw her sous-chef under the bus, which is bad television but good character.
Hosea: They liked his redfish thing (with the stupid micro cilantro). Apparently redfish has a strong flavor. Anyway, Hosea laughs about how he stuck Stefan with gator. Someone with a British accent says the sashimi was boring, and we’re on to the scallops/foie dish. Tom loved the apple compote, which complemented it nicely. Everyone enjoyed it. Now they’re praising the venison, although Gail is like, Richard’s blackberry thing was useless. Now they’re asking whether he needed to make dessert and Hosea points out that, no.
Stefan: The gator soup tasted good, everyone’s happy about that. The fish carpaccio… not so much. Somewhat bland, according to Mr. Heimlich. Now, let the squab lovefest commence. Gail liked the parsnip in the dish. Tom thought it was the strongest dish of the night. Now, why dessert? Stefan says it’s the end of a menu. Um, okay. He defends it as a good finish for him and everyone is polite enough not to laugh aloud.
10:49: I won’t bother with what each cheftestant says about why they should be Top Chef, but I will say that Carla notes that she cooks with “heart” and also cries a bit. Stefan’s icy exterior breaks as he tries to cheer her up. It’s kinda nice.
10:50: They leave the table. Backstage, Carla cries some more as we segue to the judges agreeing that she’s out of the running. We still love you though, Carla, and we know that Casey screwed it all up for you tonight.
So it’s between Stefan and Hosea. Now the judges will go back and forth in such a way that it’s impossible to tell which way they’re leaning, then there’ll be another commercial break, and then they’ll come back and say that Hosea won because Stefan’s meal was too uneven. I think.
So yeah, they go over Stefan’s meal and agree that the alligator soup was good, the squab was great, the carpaccio was mediocre, and the dessert was, in Padma’s incredibly-stoned words, “pedestrian at best”.
Now they talk about Hosea. Tom says the meal had an “arc”. Which is true, but it wasn’t exactly unorthodox. Now that stupid jerk is complaining about the lack of a dessert, which they told him he didn’t have to make. UGH SHUT UP. Gail points out, as I already did, that Stefan’s meal was up and down while Hosea’s was consistent and soulful.
Final commercial of the season.
Say, what ever happened to the live finale? That was a silly but fun thing last season. Ah well. Life goes on, I guess. The traditional phone poll had 65% of people saying Carla should be Top Chef. Clearly they took those calls before The Great Soufflé Incident.
10:57: Okay, we’re back. Tom gives a quick recap that says nothing, and here’s the verdict: it’s Hosea. Stefan looks shell-shocked. I understand how he feels. Hosea can’t come up with ANYTHING interesting to say about winning but whatever, he earned it tonight.
10:58: Team Europe hugs it out. I like to think that Stefan watched tonight and now he hates Fabio for dissing his dessert. Speaking of which, Stefan says that if he hadn’t made it, he would have won. But a certain carpaccio suggests otherwise, dude. Unless: was your final dish going to be a time machine so you could tell yourself not to put the fresh fish in the freezer????
10:59: Stefan gets to talk more, because the producers know he should have won. Carla is bummed and crying again in her interview, but she comported herself well and I’m sure she’ll be okay. Hosea brags about beating Stefan, and the audience mildly dislikes him but can’t quite put into words exactly why.
Not the most satisfying of finishes, I must say–Hosea managed to get to the finals by doing enough not to get sent home, but he really didn’t have too many high points. Top Chef usually rewards risk-taking (it also punishes it, of course), but this year the big winner’s only notable moment was getting to second base (over the shirt) with another contestant. Safe to say I won’t look back on this as one of the show’s best finales.
Why did I live-blog this again?
Now I’m off to watch Lost, which I trust will feature more surprises and fewer faux-acerbic dillweeds who should go back to jolly old England and never darken my television again.
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Donna
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