Which meaningless distractions do you consider a sport?

So, ESPN has decided that UFC is a sport now. I’m kind of conflicted. It’s just guys beating the shit out of each other for the titillation of a blood-thirsty crowd. But I guess it’s no different from boxing. Or Nascar.

Speaking of which, I hate that ESPN is so transparently chasing dollars in its coverage. Every day it jettisons a little bit of sophisticated analysis to increase its shameless self-promotion and desperate cries for contemporary popularity (hey, did you know that there’s this thing called “fantasy football”? ESPN suddenly won’t shut up about it.). Enough about the Little League World Series! It was fun 10 years ago when it was quirky and non-commercial, but at this point it’s just an obnoxious way to give kids too much attention. I don’t want to see coverage of this stupid event all day ever day. That time could be better spent on, well, actual sports highlights (preferably featuring adults).

Incidentally, and quite contrary to the thesis of this post, someone in management seems obsessed with getting people to care about soccer. All of a sudden, the top 10 highlights regularly feature exciting goals from the English Premier League or other international play (or, whenever Beckham does anything, a clip from an MLS game). I like soccer, and I’d be happy if it took off, but if Pele couldn’t do it I’m pretty dubious that Mr. Posh Spice can pull it off.

And then there’s ESPN Deportes. This is ESPN’s attempt to get the millions of spanish-speaking Americans (and aspiring Americans) to watch vapid sports commentary like their English-speaking amigos. I have no problem with this. What I do have a problem with is their embarrassing attempts to promote the channel on the Sportscenter. Someone obviously thought:

How can we increase the visibility of Deportes without freaking out all the ignorant, xenophobic morons that watch our channel? I know–we’ll get our Deportes anchors to awkwardly narrate brown-person sports highlights in ENGLISH. Key things: 1. Feature any sporting event that involves anyone who speaks Spanish. Soccer, international basketball, synchronized swimming, whatever–just make sure at least one participant hable espanol. 2. Even though Deportes is in Spanish, we should make the anchors do the highlights in English. It will confuse the people who might actually want to watch Deportes, but at least our provincial viewers will understand what they’re hearing. 3. This one’s important–make sure to pronounce every name in a rrrrrrrrobusto accent. It will be like that cliche where the news anchor pronounces the names of foreign nations and dignitaries in thick, fake accents. People seem to enjoy that.

This fiasco is as shameful and unappealing as the whole “Who’s Now” imbroglio. ESPN, you’re the most profitable channel on cable (I think. I’m not going to do any research or anything.); maybe it’s time to use that position to improve the coverage, rather than aim for the lowest common denominator.

And that, folks, is how Aaron Sorkin would criticize ESPN. I mean, if he hadn’t already done so.