2006 September » Hello World

Cheap Seats Cheap Shots

Sep 182006

As you may or may not know, there’s an ongoing low-intensity feud going on between ESPN’s “Sports Guy” Bill Simmons and the Sklar brothers. The Sklars host Cheap Seats, ESPN Classic’s ratings-poor show, in which the two comedians give dated sports programming the MST3K treatment.

Apparently most people feel the need to pick sides in this one–the Sklar brothers are a surprisingly polarizing pair–but I’ve got to say that I enjoy them both. Cheap Seats is a goofy premise that, at its best, is a solid half hour of amusement. And, of course, Bill Simmons’s 6000-word rambling sports/pop-culture rants have forced every mediocre sports writer in the country to memorize the Billboard Top-40 and throw ill-advised Laguna Beach references into his columns. So anyway, my point is just this: I don’t understand where this thing started. I mean, it’s sort of cool that Simmons has the okay to badmouth ESPN’s programming (although as far as I can tell he doesn’t, and this is a huge and bizarre exception)–but why would he go out of his way to do so for a show that it’s safe to say isn’t exactly taking the late night cable world by storm? It’s very strange.

And I’ve got to say that the latest round in the back-and-forth is surprising:

This shot comes from the most recent episode of Cheap Seats (highlighted by a Ryan Seacrest-hosted “Radical Adventure Challenge” or something). I’m not sure what the point is here. Shouldn’t that say something like “Attention ESPN Staff: This Guy Throws Like a Girl”? I mean, don’t lend Bill Simmons tapes? That’s not exactly a Winston Churchill level witticism. You guys are professional comedians.

So yeah. The Sklars fight back, kinda. The ball’s in your court now, Sports Guy.

Redskins Panic Begins*

Sports 1 Response »

Sep 172006

We need:

A secondary.
That was the sorriest pass coverage I think I’ve ever seen. Aren’t we supposed to be good at defense? How did we give up 250 passing yards?
A pass rush.
Drew Bledsoe. Drew Bledsoe. Drew Bledsoe. Drew Bledsoe.
A $@#! quarterback.
Brunell has reverted to his 2004 form. He’s a “mobile quarterback” who runs the forty in half an hour and he’s got the accuracy of a Mississippi child’s standardized test answers. He simply can’t hit his receivers. He’s like Eli Manning, except for the part where Manning gets bailed out by hilariously-stupid defensive penalties when the game should by all rights be over. It’s time to hand the ball to Campbell and hope he doesn’t get eviscerated by LaVar Arrington.

The good news is that our punting game is looking pretty good. Practice makes perfect, I suppose.

^* Yes indeed, I am posting this before the game is over. I wanted to put it up at halftime but it seemed like a violation of my duty to have faith in a Redskins comeback (especially after last year’s game in Dallas).

Why I’m not too worried about the Redskins yet.

Etc 2 Responses »

Sep 162006

Portis said he felt that the Redskins coaches assumed he felt worse physically than last week. “I think that’s what they’re thinking, but man, I’ll tell you, I eat gunpowder twice a day now,” he said. “As long as I’m on this gunpowder, I think I’m going to be all right.”

[Washington Post]

Most impressive.

Links No Responses »

Sep 122006

is Tom Cruise in there? A guy in *.co.uk does some amazing things with sheets of paper. The remarkable thing is not merely the precision and ingenuity of the cuts but the fact that, as far as I can tell, it’s all still attached. It’s hard to explain, so you’re better off just checking it all out here.

The Redskins need…

Sports 1 Response »

Sep 122006

…to cut Sean Taylor.
I love the guy’s huge hits, but this is something like the 8,000th time his overzealous rules-flouting violence has cost the ‘Skins at a crucial time.
…to fix the kicking game.
I’m not saying we should cut Hall–he’s an accurate and dependable kicker, most of the time. But shouldn’t we think about paying somebody with a strong leg $200k/year for touchbacks and realistic chances at 45 yard field goals? Many teams do this, and the strong-leg guy is often the punter. Which brings me to the other aspect of the kicking game that needs work: Frost. He wasn’t horrific last night, but he was horrific throughout the preseason. It’s not hard to round up a decent punter who has the leg for kickoffs and long field goal attempts–let’s do that.
…to start gambling on defense.
To be honest, our defensive struggles are the least of our worries. We’ve got dependable personnel and a terrific defensive coordinator, and my guess is last night was a blip in the radar. But the fact remains that all we could do was stop the run, and even that fell apart by the end of the game. We’ve got to take some chances on blitzes and trust our secondary to keep the receivers covered. Hopefully the return of safety Shawn Springs in a week or two will help with that.
…yes, to get a real quarterback.
Brunell wasn’t bad last night, and he’s not the reason the ‘Skins lost. But our ultimate goal isn’t to manage to beat run-of-the-mill teams like the Vikings; we’re trying to win in the playoffs. And I just don’t see Brunell contributing to that goal. Unfortunately I don’t see many reasonable ways to make this happen–good QBs don’t get passed around during the regular season. There is one option, and it’s a risky one, but I’m not sure it’s too early to start taking risks in an effort to salvage the season. Thats right, it might be time to trade for Brett Favre. Give Green Bay some young guys or draft picks for him and just hope that with a supporting cast around him Favre might have another season in him. Is the trade likely to happen? No. If it were to happen, is it likely to work? No, I can’t say that it’s likely to work. But what we’ve got going on now is a recipe for mediocrity. We gotta make a move.
…to beat the Cowboys on Sunday.
I don’t really need to expand on this one, do I?

And of course we have to hope that LaVar Arrington continues to play like out-of-shape undisciplined crap in our two games against the (0-1) Giants this season, but a) that’s out of our hands and b) I’m pretty sure there’s no damn chance whatsoever that he’s not going to end at least one Redskin’s season a la Troy “Bobblehead” Aikman.

Clearly, I wasn’t exactly heartened by the Redskins’ play last night, and I’ve certainly got some serious concerns about their chances this year. But there were flashes of greatness–well there was one, the emphatic blocking on Randle-El’s punt return in the first half–so I’m not giving up hope yet.

Imagine if Courtney had answered.

Etc, Music 1 Response »

Sep 112006

As you may know, “Weird Al” Yankovic is a musical parodist who satirizes popular music (i.e. he transformed Michael Jackson’s “Beat It”–the best pop song of the ’80s, incidentally–into “Eat It”). Although his songs are legally protected under the fair use doctrine, Al makes sure to get the blessing of any artist whom he wants to parody. This generally works out fine but occasionally there’s a bump in the road, in which case Yankovic moves on and does something else. It’s funny that at some point he must have spoken with Nirvana. I like to think it went something like this:

(ring)

KC: Yeah?

WA: Hi, is this Kurt Cobain?

KC: Yes.

WA: This is “Weird Al” Yankovic.

KC: Hello.

WA: I don’t know if you’ve heard of me, but I do a lot of parodies of popular songs and I’m hoping you’ll give me permission to parody “Smells Like Teen Spirit”!

KC: It doesn’t matter. Every waking moment is an unrelenting cacaphony of pain and sorrow.

WA: Well that may be, but I prefer to get artists’ perission before parodying their work. Life is so much better when people cooperate with each other, don’t you think?

KC: Life is a meaningless struggle that inexorably ends in the cold embrace of nothingness. Go ahead, court jester–craft your distraction. But know this: the bottomless abyss waits for you as it does every man.

WA: Great! Thanks so much! I’m a huge fa-

(click)

WA:Hello? Hello? Kurt? Oh, darn it. These new-fangled cellular phone networks are so unreliable.