Black Shoe Diary: The Daily Musings of Shuruku Umezawa: Junior Salesman, Ninja

Tuesday, March 14

All day long I am made to sit in a cube. All I wish to do is leave this cube. Yet, each time I leave for restroom break, I return to find turtle figurines strewn about my desk by anonymous office clowns. Perhaps they think I do not understand this joke; they are wrong. I, too, view animated television, though I am partial to Looney Tunes.

I shall discover the offender by becoming invisible (or hiding under my desk). Then, one evening, when he is working late, he will be visited by a ghost while walking to his automobile and so shall meet his demise.

Obsessed with cinematic apocrypha perpetuated by Steven Seagal and pizza-eating, animated “ninja” reptiles. These fools forget one very important, very real fact: poison-tipped blow darts.

That part is, of course, the highlight of the piece, but the rest is pretty enjoyable too.

See also:

• Future Garfield Strips, If Garfield Aged at the Normal Feline Rate (Based on Real-Life Experiences With a Twentysomething Cat).
• Notes on “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” as Delivered to Axl Rose by His Editor

I’ll be in New York this weekend. I’m busy tonight and Saturday night, but I’m free all day Saturday. So if you will be there and want to hang out, let me know.

I’m listening to the Cardigans‘ album, Gran Turismo, the follow-up to their fairly big hit album, First Band on the Moon (remember “Lovefool”?). This album basically sank without a trace upon its release in 1998, but it’s really good. The Cardigans certainly seemed like a deserving one hit wonder candidate–”Lovefool” was catchy and cute in a Scandinavian mindless pop sort of way (more on this later) but as far as I could tell the lead singer was signing phonetically and there was no reason to think they would ever release another song worth hearing. It turns out, though, that Gran Turismo is an ambitious, moody, well-crafted, and haunting album. The single “My Favorite Game” is an awesome song–you can hear the echoes of their hit single in it–but there’s a lot more going on throughout the whole album. Two thumbs up!

Anyway, that got me thinking about other bands that don’t deserve to be one-hit wonders. Here’s a brief list:

• Reel Big Fish:
  Best known for “Sell Out,” the meta-single that came out in the 10 minutes in 1997 when people thought ska might be cool. That didn’t pan out for anybody but No Doubt, who made a smooth transition to pop rock, but that’s another story entirely. Reel Big Fish is still together, more or less, and although they haven’t managed to put together another album as amazing as “Turn the Radio Off” the new stuff is still pretty good, and they have a great sense of humor about the vicissitudes of fame (“One Hit Wonderful” is the title of a song on their most recent album
• The Refreshments:
  1996′s Fizzy, Fuzzy, Big & Buzzy featured the border-crossing robbery narrative single, “Banditos.” It got a ton of radio play at the time but I don’t think I ever heard another Refreshments song on the radio. It’s too bad, because that entire album is great and the follow-up, “The Bottle and Fresh Horses,” is too. These guys, with their focus on tequila, Mexico, and the American Southwest, were covering much more interesting territory than most of their contemporaries, and it’s too bad that nobody bought their albums. Anyway, the lead singer formed a new band that carries on the Refreshments tradition, such as it is, today. I highly recommend that you check them out.
• The Caesars:
  You remember these Swedes from that iPod ad, right? The song featured in the ad, “Jerk it Out,” is certifiably excellent, and for a little while I think I heard it every time I went to a cool kids bar in DC. Well I’d like to say that it’s not the highlight of their discography but that wouldn’t be honest. Much like Blur’s “Song 3,” it’s basically the platonic ideal for a rock single. But it’s not a red herring, either; these guys know how to craft memorable, catchy tunes. Who cares that the lyrics read like a selection from Highlights for Children? Their next album, whenever it is released, is going to be a monster hit. You heard it here first.
• Chumbawamba:
  Okay, okay. I guess I’m just kidding about this one. But I have a major soft spot for Tubthumper, the 1997 album that featured the horrifically-overplayed “Tubthumping” (I get knocked down; I get back up again, etc.). I bought it for the single, of course, but there are a bunch of songs on the album that manage to be really catchy, musically, and utterly bonkers, lyrically. Suffice it to say that most of their other albums manage to hold onto the latter but stumble on replicating the former.

I’m sure I’m forgetting a lot of others (Tommy Tutone!). What are your favorite bands that are unfairly one hit wonders?

I enjoyed Woody Allen’s last movie, Match Point, and I’m looking forward to his new one, Scoop. The publicity campaign for Scoop has Allen giving interviews all over the place, and this one, from the Washington Post, is pretty interesting. Not that Allen was ever reticent about his neuroses, but it seems like he’s pretty much reached the point where he really doesn’t care what people think of him:

“I never wanted movies to be an end. I wanted them to be a means so that I could have a decent life — meet attractive women, go out on dates, live decently. Not opulently, but with some security. I feel the same way now. A guy like Spielberg will go live in the desert to make a movie, or Scorsese will make a picture in India and set up camp and live there for four months. I mean, for me, if I’m not shooting in my neighborhood, it’s annoying. I have no commitment to my work in that sense. No dedication.”

I could cut and paste a lot more, but the whole article is a good read. Check it out.

I saw Clerks 2. Here’s what I thought:

It is what Clerks would have been if Kevin Smith had $5 million when he made it. It features celeb cameos, relatively high production values, and a soundtrack that, sadly, replaces “Berzerker” with cheesy soft rock. The dialogue is the same–meaning it cavorts between the profane and the profound. Okay, mostly the profane.

I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t a particularly good movie. It was studded with references to earlier Smith movies and cameos from Smith’s extensive support group (unsurprising), its plot was thin and fairly predictable (unsurprising), the acting was often wooden (definitely unsurprising). The dialogue was awkward when not geeky or homophobic, and was consistently and continually obscene–this, of course, is no surprise either, but I was still occasionally floored by the extent to which Smith is happy to tackle subjects that plenty of people would rather never think about. This is definitely not one to see with your mom.

A short aside: Smith’s ideosyncratic dialogue has been compared to David Mamet’s, and I think it’s an apt comparison. There are actors who are good at delivering the lines (the guy who plays Randall; Jason Lee) and actors who are emphatically not (the guy who plays Dante is unfortunately the biggest transgressor here–he’s just so whiny or creepy, depending on whether he’s complaining or trying to act romantic). What’s interesting is that general acting chops seem to have little to do with this–Ben Affleck is not much of an actor but he does well in Kevin Smith movies, I think; Rosario Dawson is a decent actress but watching her try to wrap her mouth around these lines is pretty painful.The guy who plays Elias, Trevor Ferhman, turns out to be another guy who can handle Smith’s ridiculous dialogue. Despite his more or less one-dimensional character getting put through the embarrassment wringer, I think he was the funniest guy in the movie.

But anyway, there were a few great things about this movie.

1. Most of the actors are homely.
   Dante, who was not exactly a heartthrob in Clerks, has gotten chubbier, bumpier, and generally less attractive since then (this is not ignored in the script, either). Randall, who was skinny, gawky, and angular, has filled out considerably. He’s not fat but he’s round, and it took me a while to get used to the disparity. Rosario Dawson is pretty much the only attractive person in this movie (sorry, Kevin Smith, but your wife… not so much). And to be honest, it takes some getting used to–watching unattractive people make out is not a typical cinematic experience. But I appreciated it. Most of us aren’t blessed with natural good looks, the time to go the gym for four hours a day, and the money to get whatever surgical procedures might be necessary to put us over the top. So it’s nice to see characters on the screen who are no different. And, frankly, it works better for Smith’s style anyway. Who’s more likely to be fascinated by the minutia of science fiction movies and theology–beautiful cool people or hapless losers?
2. The middle third of the movie.
   It plods along before that, with a few laughs but mostly exposition and weak gags. And it falls apart, to a degree, after that, when Smith tries to tie things up in a way satisfactory to his rabid fans. But this movie has a sweet spot in the middle where a lot of funny stuff is happening. I won’t go into it except to say that the donkey show is, as it should be, the centerpiece of the film. It’s Kevin Smith at his best–hilarious and deeply disturbing.
3. Jay and Silent Bob.
   Still pretty funny, although if I never have to see Jay’s pressed ham again I won’t mind. (I won’t spoil the movie, but suffice it to say that there’s a moment in this one that goes well beyond a pressed ham. I think it was very funny but it definitely destroyed my last shred of innocence.) Jay, who was like seventeen when they made Clerks, is pushing thirty now, and thanks to a well-publicized battle with heroin, he looks it. There’s certainly something sad about a grown man recovering from hard drug addiction playing a childish drug pusher, but Smith uses that obvious concern here to good effect.
4. The complete disinterest in pleasing a mainstream audience.
   You gotta admire guys like Kevin Smith, David Lynch, Woody Allen, Michel Gondry, M. Night Shyamalan, and David Cronenberg. They make their movies the way they make their movies, and if nobody shows up that’s fine with them. The results aren’t always good but you can’t call them safe or boring. I’d trade one The Professional for a dozen Starsky and Hutches. But not Old School. You can pry Old School out of my cold, dead hands.

Now, all that being said, I cannot believe this movie got an eight minute standing ovation at Cannes. It’s a filthy, awkward, and slight vanity project. It’s an extended billet-doux from Smith to his rabid niche. It’s not a work of art–the only moment of actual cinematic ambition, a whirl-around-camera capturing an argument, comes off as adorably amateurish. Don’t get me wrong, I had a good time watching it, but I just don’t buy the idea that a bunch of cineastes were so enthralled with the movie that they applauded for more than thirteen percent of an hour. The only thing I can think of is that it was essentially a long-overdue thank you for the original Clerks, which really did change the face of indie cinema. But this movie, Clerks 2, doesn’t deserve a standing ovation. It deserves a rental.

Yeah, thrilling, I know. Anyway, the header is still a disaster but hopefully this palette is easier on the eyes. Substantive post someday.

Oh man. Ellen Pompeo (the completely unsympathetic main character in Grey’s Anatomy) is a total B (you know what that stands for, internet). Who knew her real accent made her sound like a jersey skank? Spend your weekend thanking the lord that you’re not dating this harpy:

Can you believe that, internet? Not only does her voice grate like a morning alarm clock, but she’s a jealous skinflint who blames her boyfriend for getting flirted at! Even if her weight could be documented using positive integers I’d still run screaming. I can’t say this video encourages me to tune in for next year’s series of morally-repugnant cliffhangers.

I was hoping to make it through this post without noting how abhorrent Ashton Kutcher is as the host of this show–almost made it! I still can’t believe that people can tolerate his raving screaming incoherent intros on Punk’d. And why do they hire middle schoolers to edit the show on two VCRs?

[Mollygood]

Word on the street is my new color scheme is “repugnant.”

I’ll see what I can do this weekend.

I’m going to be in New York City in a couple of weeks (July 28th or so). Will you be there as well?

Also, my desktop PC at home has been acting up lately–a Windows file got corrupted and I nearly lost all 60 gigs of music I have on that thing–so I just bought an enormous external hard drive to back everything up. Once that’s done, I’m planning on wiping it clean and starting fresh. Just for fun I’m going to make a small partition for a linux distribution (probably Ubuntu), and then put a new XP installation on the rest of the HD.

Here are my queries for you:

1. What do you think is the minimum size for the Ubuntu partition?
2. Are there any top secret tricks for installing XP? Components I should opt out of, unusual components I should include? Settings I should change right away? Other stuff I can’t think of?
3. Are there programs that you use and love that I might not know about (in the case of Ubuntu, any programs at all)?
4. What are your data backup strategies? I’d like to start backing up my data regularly, ideally in an automated process. Any thoughts there?