He has an ENORMOUS head.

April 12, 2006

Chuck Klosterman writes the occasional column for ESPN (the Magazine, sometimes, the website, sometimes… probably for ESPN Mobile sometimes), and his stuff is often an enjoyable melange of pop culture and sports and politics and philosophy and sociology. The column that got put up today is probably the best thing he’s written for them, and that’s despite the fact that its subject is a depressing cliché that anyone who reads about sports is already sick to death of: Barry Bonds, Steroid Abuser. I am so tired of reading these stories, which mostly condemn Barry but sometimes extend that condemnation to Society as a Whole, but Kolsterman manages to make the topic a launching-off point for a larger critique of this crazy country that somehow seems fresh and insightful. But also, funny:

We are all familiar with the story of Babe Ruth; it’s the classic American narrative. He was born inside a burning saloon. As a teen, he was persuaded to become a southpaw pitcher through the guidance of a priest impressed by the boy’s ability to consume entire turkeys during brunch. As he matured, Ruth found he was able to hit 600-foot home runs for dying children without the use of a bat. His on-field excellence was punctuated by an ability to drink whole kegs of beer while making love to nine women simultaneously, none of whom was his wife. When the Red Sox traded his rights to the Yankees, 560 people died in a mud slide. Ruth served as Warren G. Harding’s secretary of state, albeit briefly. He also weighed in the neighborhood of 18,000 pounds and once won a best-of-three-falls wrestling match against Man o’ War, the horse he later ate.

Also, what happens if you make a cake but use Cadbury Creme Eggs instead of the standard chicken kind? Hilarity! [A Whole Lotta Nothing]

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