McSweeney’s is coming up big this week. Here are teasers, with links to the full pieces. Enjoy:

The Elements of Spam:

Elementary Rules of Usage

1. Form the possessive of nouns by adding ‘s, just an apostrophe, just an s, a semicolon, a w, an ampersand, a 9, or anything.

My wifesd*porcupine hot pix for u.

A Retort to Carly Simon Regarding Her Charges of Vanity:

Look, we could bicker over these particulars all day long and accomplish little. My chief quarrel with you is more existential: I know the song is about me, so how does recognizing that fact make me vain? Honestly, if someone shouted “Hey, Carly Simon!” at you and you turned around, would that be a sign of vanity? No. It would be a simple recognition of reality.

Klingon Recipes:

Home-Style Gagh
SERVES 1-2

Find someone who has already prepared some home-style gagh. Kill him/her in honorable combat and take his/her gagh. Serve cold and enjoy.

And, of course, Obsessive-Compulsive Valentines:

Roses are red, violets are blue. Sugar is sweet, and I think I left the iron on.

FYI, I have a substantive post scheduled for approx. June 2009.