Hello World

From last night’s NFC broadcast:

“I think my wife’s more excited about it than what I am”
“They really haven’t gotten Thomas Jones involved in the game plan as much as what I thought that they would”

What are you talking about, Troy Aikman? Why have you started throwing the word “what” into otherwise-sensible sentences? It’s extremely annoying to me! And, speaking of which, why do you and your colleagues keep saying things are “flat [adjective]” (i.e. “Brian Urlacher is flat powerful,” or “Johnny Damon is flat stupid for giving up a lifetime of adulation in New England for an extra few million bucks”)? Is this some kind of bizarre bastardization of the phrase “flat-out”? I think it pretty clearly is, but unfortunately it doesn’t make a lick of sense without the “out” part. And, finally, has anyone noticed how weird Paul Maguire‘s cadence is? I guess he’s not announcing games anymore now that ESPN’s done televising them, but anybody who watched their Sunday night broadcasts can probably remember the strange way Maguire speaks–sort of continually out of breath and somehow throwing hard Hs into random vowel sounds.

I’m basically amazed by how out of it and incoherent most announcers are. I’m sure it’s a lot more difficult than it seems to the viewer, but as far as I can tell almost all these guys do is miss obvious things (“I can’t figure out why he threw that flag!” immediately after a clear late hit, for example) and say obvious things (“the team that wins the points battle has the best chance in this game”) and say suspiciously-nice things (“we sat down together yesterday after practice, and talk about a good guy–Rae Carruth has got to be the gentlest soul in the league”).

And their weird verbal tics are mimetic, spreading throughout the world of sports broadcasting to the point where SteveChris Berman’s highlights end up sounding like this: “Redskins. Dallas. Talk about a rivalry. You think these guys don’t like each other? They flat hate each other. Gibbs, the best tactician in the history not just of the NFL but of organized sports entirely. Parcells, the best motivator since Cleopatra. Last time these football gods went head to head, Mark “Witch’s” Brunell threw an arcing spiral over the secondary and–WHOOP!–that’s a touchdown for Santana “Bana Bo Bana Banana Fana Fo Fanna Rolling Stone Gathers No” Moss!” And Berman’s hardly the only ESPN guy to become an absolute caricature of himself–I’m looking at you here, Stu Scott, Steven A. Smith, and of course Barry “the Mullet” Melrose. Don’t even get me started on Tony Siragusa.

But I guess in the end it doesn’t really matter. We watch sports to see incredible athletes screw up in public, not to nitpick the oratory skill of old men in bad suits. And, for the record, Troy Aikman is probably one of the better football announcers out there, his truly strange abuse of the word “what” notwithstanding.

In other football news, every one of my picks lost this week. I mean, seriously. Never listen to me. Oh well.

We’ll get ‘em next time, Redskins. (Maybe if you change the team name they will win another Super Bowl.)