I care about writing.

Since I’m feeling a little under the weather and don’t feel like writing anything else about iPods today, I’ve decided to just repost something I wrote last April. It originally began with the words “Dear idiot,” but with the benefit of retrospect I feel that that was unnecessarily confrontational. These are basic helpful tips for writing clearly and correctly:

Dear person on the internet:

You do not know how to use the English language. Here are some tips that will guide you in your pursuit of coherent prose:

First, contractions:

Its: The possessive form of “it.”
Example: That snake just ate its own baby! Nature is sick!”
It’s: “It is” or “it has.”
Example: “I can’t believe it’s been 5 years since our last bacchanalian frenzy. Time flies when you’re a sexual deviant trolling the internet for your next victim!”

Your: Possessive form of “you.”
Example: “Dude, your head is swelling up like a balloon. Are you sure you aren’t allergic to snails?”
You’re: “You are.”
Example: “You’re taking Aunt May’s house away because she lost all her savings playing the state lottery?”

Whose: The possessive form of “who.”
Example: “Whose enormous tub of mint jelly is that?”
Who’s: “Who is”, or “who has.”
Example:”Who’s eating that california roll?”

Their: Possessive form of “they.”
Example: “I’m telling you, they take it all off, and you can see their unmentionables. New Orleans rules!”
There: A place you are talking about.
Example: “I know a bar that lets in 17 year-olds. Let’s go there.”

Now, on to general words that seem to give people (like you) trouble:

Complement: A thing that makes a whole complete, or one of two mutually completing parts.^*
Example: “With his female anatomy and tendency toward frottage, he found his complement in the King of Pop.”
Compliment: To say a nice thing to/about someone.
Example: “Although she claimed it was a compliment, I don’t think it’s particularly nice to tell someone they remind one of a less wrinkly Abe Vigoda.”
Complimentary: Of or relating to a compliment, or given free as a courtesy or favor.
Example: “The massage oil was complimentary with the purchase of three nights at The Love-Inn.”
Complementary: Such that the subject complements the predicate. Also, of course, such that the predicate complements the subject.
Example: “With their uncanny rapport and willingness to don any ridiculous dress their producers could round up, Tom Hanks and the complementary Peter Scolari truly made Bosom Buddies the best sitcom of the 1980s.”

All right: Synonyms include “no problem,” “satisfactory,” and “okay.” And while we’re here, it’s either “OK” or “okay,” but never “ok.” Got it?

Less: Smaller in amount or degree, but not in specific quantity. Not used when comparing, say, the number of people in various groups. That is what “fewer” is for (see below).
Example: “I’ve got less hair on my chest than Xena, Warrior Princess.”
Fewer: Less in precise number. Not used, obviously, as a synonym for “less” in any other circumstance. You don’t say there is fewer water in a cup than in a bucket–you say there are fewer milliliters of water in a cup than in a bucket. Always use “fewer” when you are talking about a specific quantity.
Example: “I am trying to watch my weight, so from now on I am limiting myself to fewer than 3 deep-fried Snickers bars per week.”

Comprise: To be made up of. You probably know what this means, but pay attention to how it is used–A thing comprises its parts. It’s not comprised by its parts. It’s not comprised of its parts. (hey, look, I know how to use “its” and “it’s”!)
Example: “The fraternity bar kit comprises a collar-up polo shirt, ironic sunglasses, GHB, and a disdain for poverty and compassion.”
Compose: To be one part of a whole. Again, you know what this means, but you always use it wrong. “Composed by” means Mozart wrote it. “Composed of” is what you’re looking for.
Example: “I’m telling you, the Sith Fleet was composed of thousands of X-wings and the Death Star! I am such a giant nerd, I don’t deserve to live!”

To: To.
Example: “In America, we believe that God chooses sides in athletic competitions. If you don’t like it, move to Canada.”
Too: Also.
Example: “You like shoe-gaze synth-rock? Me too!”

Lose: The antonym of “win.”
Example: “The LA Clippers always lose, because their owner is a huge dickhead.”
Loose: Not securely-fastened, not sexually particular, or poised to give a large payout (only applies to slot machines, which are a huge and utter rip off).
Example: “I have a loose tooth, and I can twist it all the way around. Isn’t that disgusting?”

I couldn’t care less: This phrase means that, because you don’t care at all, the idea that you might care any less is a logical impossibility.
I could care less: This phrase means that you didn’t pay attention in school. Don’t say it ever again, please.

Begs the question: This does not mean what you think it means. Do not use this phrase, ever.

More general advice: Merriam-Webster is your friend. Don’t be afraid to check a word’s spelling and usage before you commit your words to publication or distribution. I do it all the time (yes, even for blog posts), and I’m a fucking genius!

^* Also, “the thermolabile group of proteins in normal blood serum and plasma that in combination with antibodies causes the destruction especially of particulate antigens (as bacteria and foreign blood corpuscles).” FYI.

The End.

I know that the first impulse in reading something like this is to tear it apart and point out the myriad errors within. Go ahead, if that tickles you. And if you want to see what people said last time I posted this, you can check it out here.